Dating Fears: Losing My Personality

Many single women I have worked with have been frustrated with their lack of dating success. One thing I have heard them say leaves me shaking my head in confusion. They tell me that they value their independence and they fear losing their personality to a man.

If what the experts tell us is true, your personality is pretty much set in your childhood. That could be good or bad, depending on what your personality is like! Your basic self, the “deep down true who you are” is going to stay more or less the same. What may happen is that the worst of your personality traits may surface if you get involved with someone who is all wrong for you.

Of course, if you get involved with a loving man who challenges you to continue growing and becoming the best you can be, it’s likely that you will find the wonderful parts of your personality being expressed. Self-growth is not always fun and games, though. So if you are afraid of this, hide yourself away quick!

That these single women want to keep their independence is another thing that confuses me. What does this mean? Do they want to continue to behave as if they were single while in a relationship? Does it mean that if they get married they want to keep living in their same place without accommodating him and his things in any way?

If it simply means they do not want to be controlled by a man, I get that. No one wants to be controlled. But I suspect it goes deeper than that. To form a meaningful relationship, you are going to have to integrate yourself into a new person’s life. This means that you are open to new thoughts, new behaviors, and new points of view.

If you’ve been on this planet for any length of time, you have been influenced by others. You have also influenced others. Peer pressure is not always a bad thing. In your experiences of influencing and being influenced, you have accepted some new thoughts and behaviors while rejecting others. This is part of being human and part of your self-growth journey.

To be controlled is absolutely abhorrent to most of us. To be influenced and to influence in turn is a wonderful part of being in a relationship if you let it be. You get to decide what and how much. If you find you are being controlled and losing the core of who you are, get out quickly. If it’s an interactive and pleasant exchange, enjoy it!

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